i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I have aggressive nipples.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
