i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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