I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Watching her eat just hurts me
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
