nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
