were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
