She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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