I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Randomize
