what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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