Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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