i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
