I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He? As in you personified your dick?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
