got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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