I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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