I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
