We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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