No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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