I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
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I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
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I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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