Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
