My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
