You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
