this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
