the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
