OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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