I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
