He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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