I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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