I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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