I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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