Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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