I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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