cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
