did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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