you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I licked your asshole in confidence.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
