Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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