Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
