I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
