Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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