so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
