Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
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Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
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Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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