I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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