I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
