Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
