i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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