it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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