I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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