Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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