Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
