My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
That's intense
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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