so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
