If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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