I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
