After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
