Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
