if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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