Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
