What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
